The Cost We Don’t Talk About
When my New York child support case finally ended, I thought I would feel relief.
Instead, I felt angry. Heartbroken. Exhausted.
After years of hearings, documentation, waiting and trying to trust the process, the court recognized more than $175,000 in unpaid child support and reinstated the monthly obligation.
And then the case closed.
I received no payment.
Because neither of us now lives in New York, enforcement would require another interstate process.
Another process. Another system. Another fight.
Meanwhile, life didn’t stop.
Our daughter’s needs didn’t stop. The bills didn’t stop. And the responsibility of providing financially continued to fall on me.
That’s the part of unpaid child support we don’t talk about enough.
It’s not simply money that didn’t arrive.
It’s the pressure placed on the parent who has to make up the difference.
I worked. I raised our daughter. I tried to grow my business and career. I handled the unexpected expenses and somehow tried to remain emotionally present while carrying responsibilities that were never supposed to be mine alone.
There were opportunities I couldn’t pursue with the same energy. Money I couldn’t invest into my future. Days when anger and mental exhaustion followed me into my work and creativity.
And there were moments when I genuinely had to figure out how not to lose myself inside of it.
Where Wellness Became More Than Self-Care
This is where my beauty and spiritual practices became so important.
They didn’t make my problems disappear.
They helped me stop disappearing inside my problems.
There were evenings when applying my skincare became meditation.
Cleanse. Breathe. Serum. Breathe. Come back to myself.
Makeup gave me moments of creativity and pleasure when so much of life felt heavy.
And sometimes my shower became my sanctuary—water running over me while I practiced Reiki and consciously released anger I didn’t want to carry into another day.
Those rituals helped me become present again.
They reminded me that underneath being a mother, provider, employee, business owner, advocate and problem-solver, I was still Lily.
That’s why I’m writing about this on Mindful Beauty & Wellness.
I’ve learned that wellness isn’t always about feeling peaceful.
Sometimes wellness is learning how to find your way back to yourself while you’re living through something that isn’t peaceful at all.
Sometimes skincare isn’t really about skincare.
Sometimes makeup isn’t about looking beautiful.
Sometimes meditation, Reiki and ritual are simply the tools that help us regulate ourselves enough to get up tomorrow and keep going.
And I know I’m not the only mother who has needed something to hold onto.
How Many Mothers Are Quietly Doing the Same Thing?
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, millions of American children live with a custodial parent while their other parent lives elsewhere, and mothers make up the overwhelming majority of those custodial parents.
Among parents who were supposed to receive child support in 2022, approximately 1.1 million received nothing at all, and only 36.8% received everything they were supposed to receive.
But even those numbers don’t tell the whole story.
How many mothers never pursue support?
How many started fighting and eventually became exhausted by the process?
How many simply work another shift, put another expense on a credit card, postpone another dream and tell themselves:
I’ll figure it out.
Statistics can measure unpaid support.
They can’t easily measure the anxiety.
The anger.
The business that didn’t grow.
The retirement money that wasn’t saved.
The time lost navigating courts.
Or what prolonged financial instability does emotionally to a mother and her children.
Those are costs too.
And those are the conversations I want to start having.
My court case may be closed, but I’m no longer comfortable being silent about what I experienced.
I want to understand why enforcement remains so difficult.
I want to hear from other mothers.
I want to speak with attorneys, advocates, psychologists and lawmakers.
And ultimately, I want to advocate for child-support reform that reflects how families actually live today.
Creating a child creates responsibility.
A court judgment shouldn’t be the finish line if the child never receives the support behind it.
This isn’t about revenge.
It’s about accountability.
It’s about wellness.
It’s about our children.
And for me, it’s about turning something that took so much from us into something that might eventually help another mother feel a little less alone.
The court case ended in New York, but the conversation is just beginning.